Subhadra Didi's email

Hare Krsna, dear Madhukar prabhu
Dandavat pranams

Thank you for your email. I always feel inspired by how you share your thoughtful reflections and relevant quotes on how to self assess and try to make improvement.

This weekend has been filled with hearing and contemplating on the glories of Srila Gurudeva, and it made me wish that everyday could be like that, contemplating on how my life has been blessed by coming in contact with his teachings.. remembering his unlimited glories and aspiring to cultivate that relationship more by reciprocating through seva. And then today you send out this email, opening up for us to share our glorifications. It makes me happy to be gifted the opportunity to again reflect on his glories, and know that it doesn't end at his disappearance day..that I can continue to remember today, and the next day and everyday because by constantly remembering the Vaisnavas they come present with us beyond time and space.. And also because today is ekadasi, I choose to make an attempt to write and share something here to end the day instead of just getting too drowzy after my work day. ;-)

My mother met Srila Gurudeva in Vrindavana when he invited many devotees to come to his matha and hear hari katha. She went there, it was totally crowded and she sat way in the back throughout the class. After Srila Gurudeva had finished speaking he walked straight up to her through the crowds and asked her if she had heard what he'd said. That was all. When I heard this story I wondered how come he walked up to my mother and was concerned if she had heard his hari katha? One time a devotee said that she thinks that Srila Gurudeva knew I was coming to be born in her womb and would later come to him. That if my mother heard his hari katha, if it would enter her ears and heart, then I could be able to recognize his voice and find him in this lifetime. I know this may sound really far-fetched..and I've been reflecting on imagination, and where the limit goes to what is really true and what stories our mind creates..and my conclusion is that if it's favourable for our bhakti and increases our faith, then it's okay to believe in. :-)

So after a childhood of being exposed to some aspects of bhakti culture, there was a yearning in me to discover more but I didn't know how and I was suffering and struggling with having faith and needed good role models. At that time I met Prema Mayi and through her I heard about Srila Gurudeva the first time and from then on an attraction and curiosity began to grow. Travelling to India in 2014 with her gave an opportunity to explore Krsna consciousness on my own..you know for us gurukulis we get so much but at some point we have to make it our own independent choice. So coming to the dhama, and meeting Srila Gurudeva's famliy felt like returning home. On the last day of parikrama in Navadvipa, Prema had our japa malas blessed at Srila Gurudevas samadhi. When we received them back I could feel Srila Gurudeva's pure, well-wishing presence offering the strength and blessings to chant hari nama. I felt like I can fully place my trust and faith in his shelter, and from then on I have been able to chant hari nama, and let go of the stories and fears that have blocked me in the past..    

The following long years I went to university and just when I had finished my bachelor thesis I saw an online poster announcing Srila Gurudeva's tirobhava festival program at the Gangamatas in London. On the poster was a picture of Srila Gurudeva, and I felt like he was personally inviting me to come to his tirobhava program. I didn't know anyone there, but just followed the calling and it had a strong impact on me...hearing all the devotees personal sharings of their relationship with Srila Gurudeva, all the tears, laughter and stories of how their sorrows transformed into auspiciousness through his presence in their lives. It awoke a desire in me to also have such a relationship with Sri Guru and all the Vaisnavas I hadn't even heard of before, like Srila Vamana Gosvami Maharaja, and to know that it is for all of us, regardless of how much physical association we've had with these personalities. To know that Srila Gurudeva, Srila Prabhupada and all our acaryas are well wishers for all of us at any time and place.

Sometimes I repent, that why didn't I read Srila Prabhupada's books at an earlier age, learn slokas, or how to play kirtan-instruments properly etc. when I see so many talented gurukulis doing all these things and feel like I'm so far behind. But it isn't until later years that I've received the inspiration to read Srila Prabhupada's books, and from hearing Srila Gurudeva's hari katha, I can (hopefully by their mercy) perceive it in a different light now as he gives us the key to unlock the wealth that Srila Prabhupada came to give..and he came to help us gurukulis... to re-kindle our faith in this process of bhakti and offer a safe shelter where we can fully offer our trust.  

So for me also, this has become one of the most important days for me in the year.. and just when I think that I've repeated these stories again and again, and remembered everything that there is to remember, or told everything that I have to tell, then more will come... and I know that this is just the beginning. And I look forward to the next day and opportunity to remember, and to hear more and more from other devotees treasured memories. (And I'm so grateful for the page srilagurudevamememories which you've all put together).

Apologies for this lengthy email. This was quite personal for me to share here, but it brings me happiness to remember, and feels like a practice to move out of the way and know that this is not my story, but it is an attempt to tell something of Srila Gurudeva's compassion and mercy of how he can reach out to the most fallen in any corner of the world.

aspiring servant of the Vaisnavas,
Subhadra dasi